My heart will throw up

posted Fri, 25 Jun 2004

Oh come on! The American Film Institute has picked the 100 best movie songs of all time. I don’t have much issue with numbers 1-13, but number 14 is “My Heart Will Go On,” which is surely one of the most nauseating songs ever.

With all due respect to Celine Dion, who seems to be a nice enough person with a quick wit, if the one Barbara Walters interview I saw was any indication, her music stinks. “My Heart” is the stinkiest of them all. There is something about her voice and her lyrics and her melodies that goes straight to the pain receptors in my brain.

If I hear her voice coming from the store PA system when I am shopping, I leave the store. If I hear her on the radio, I change the station. The only other singer to whom I award this honor is Michael Bolton. What is it with these whiney singers and their cloyingly sentimental songs? I cannot be the only one who is driven from the forum by their drivel.

Harpo thinks I have bad taste in music. Wait. That’s not right. Harpo thinks I am wrong to dislike the songs and musicians I dislike. He agrees with me about the music I do like. But if we hear something on the radio and I make the mistake of mentioning that I do not like that particular song, he wants to know exactly why. There has to be a reason. I have to quantify my dislike.

How do I explain why I don’t like the Doors? I just don’t. I don’t like Santana, either. “But you like Latin music!” Harpo will protest. How can I like Roy Rogers (the blues one, not the cowboy) and not like Santana? They both play electric guitar or slide guitar or whatever. He is convinced that my musical dislikes are signs of my unsuitability as a girlfriend, especially because I cannot give him exact reasons for my dislike.

Art is subjective, I tell him. It is personal. Just because I don’t like Santana or The Doors doesn’t mean I think less of you for liking them (although I sorta do).

That’s not enough for him. He persists in his interrogation. What, exactly, is it that I do not like? I think about it. Is it the arrangement? The words? The melody? I don’t know! It’s the whole thing! I am an extremely sensitive person with refined tastes. Only the very best will suit me.

As long as I like Harpo’s music, though, I’ll be OK.