Using the power of plastic surgery for good

posted Tue, 15 Jun 2004

I know this guy who has four kidneys and two bladders.

I am envious. If I were ever to have elective surgery, I would pick an extra bladder over a larger bosom or a perkier butt any day. Sure, it would be nice to have a figure that conformed to the conventional standards of beauty, but in terms of day-to-day utility, extra bladder capacity would enhance my life in ways that breasts never could. (And really – if a bigger bosom changed my life, wouldn’t that be pathetic?)

Think about it: yes, attention from men and breast size are directly correlated, so I would cause heads to swivel a lot more than I do now. But the men who actually let their heads be seen swiveling are not – how shall we say? – sophisticated. Would I really want more attention from uncouth men?

Or would I rather be able to drink after 6:00 p.m. and not have to get up five times that night to visit the potty? Would I rather be able to drink my diet Coke on ice first thing in the morning and not have to run to the ladies’ room four times before noon – each time causing me to lose my train of thought on a Very Important Memo? Would I rather be able to have something to drink before I go running without having to plan my run based on which gas stations have bathrooms that don’t require the WHO yellow vaccine book for entry?

The choice seems pretty clear to me.

Men are nice but peeing affects your entire life. Give me the bladder.