Thursday, August 13, 2009

When that April

posted Wed, 30 Jun 2004

Ple-e-e-eze rain. Please start raining now so I will have a good excuse not to mow my front lawn. The back doesn’t bother me because my neighbors can’t see it (and it is still mostly dirt) but the front is visible. It desperately needs to be mowed and I just as desperately don’t want to do it.

I am lazy. Well, not really, but I am not big on maintenance tasks. I like work that shows results that stay, like digging up the yard and planting flowers. But work that has to be done over and over, like mowing grass, is boring.

Weeding is not high on my list, either. If the garden would just stay weeded once I did it, that would be fine. But the weeds come back. The flower seeds I planted don’t germinate at all, but random weeds and trees – I pulled up a baby pecan tree yesterday – have no problems finding purchase in my garden. I started weeding some in the back tonight then decided to heck with it. This weekend, when it’s supposed to stop raining, I am going out with Roundup. Just spray everything to death. I’ll be careful to avoid the good stuff, but I am going to kill those weeds for once and for all.

Heather, don’t go getting your knickers in a twist. My good friend Heather is very environmentally aware, although I think finding used condoms in her garden in Montrose has reduced her tolerance. I think she would use a pesticide that works on people if she could. I’d use one that works on squirrels and birds just to keep them away from my fig tree.

Anyhow, I learned that this stuff isn’t really poison (it’s not Roundup but something like that). What it does is accelerate the growing cycle of the weed so that it dies before it reproduces. Kinda like singletons. So don’t worry. I am not destroying the earth forever, although as someone with no genetic interest in the future of the earth, I don’t get too concerned about what it will be like in 100 years.

I think I can get away with not mowing tonight. About two dozen stargazer lilies are blooming in my front flowerbed. They are a great distraction from the unruly grass. Don’t the same principles apply to yards that apply to makeup and dressing? Accentuate the positive – great shoulders! – to draw attention away from the negative – thick ankles.

My neighbors’ yards look just as bad. I just checked and they are all going to seed, too. When they mow, I will.

I would be a lot more concerned about this if I thought I actually had a chance of ever winning my neighborhood association’s yard of the month award. (No, this is not what I thought I would be obsessing about when I was in college, although I have always been competitive.)

But when I wrote the article for the local paper about the award being fixed, my chances went to nil. The story was satire, for crying out loud. My entire premise for asserting that it was fixed was that I had never won. That’s not exactly investigative journalism. But a guy on the award committee called me to assure me that the award is fair and square. He and the chair of the committee were very concerned about my allegations. I tried to explain that the whole story was supposed to be FUNNY, but he just didn’t get it. And then he did admit that my yard wasn’t exactly like the others, which I KNOW and which is ON PURPOSE, but which convinced me that I was never going to win.

I am not going to mow.

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