posted Mon, 09 Aug 2004
Mother Nature is not subtle. Once you turn 40, she doesn’t care. In her mind, I am just taking up space on the planet. She makes no effort to keep me attractive. By her reckoning, I should already have reproduced (which is the sole reason I exist) and raised my offspring to adulthood, so there is no more use for me.
How do I know this? Eating pickles didn’t used to make me look awful. Now, if I eat just a handful of dill pickles late in the evening, I put on five pounds by the next day. I wake up with huge bags under my eyes (this is not something that has ever happened to me before) and my shoes are tight from the water weight. All over, my flesh is puffy and keeps the shape of the wrinkles in my sheets until mid day.
Other things that went downhill at 40:
• I had to get glasses just for working on the computer. Not farsighted glasses, but astigmatism-only glasses. My regular myopia glasses also correct for astigmatism, but my eye muscles got too tired overcoming the distance correction for close work. Age related, the young doc said.
• My hair is no longer glossy and blonde. It is mousy with shots of gray and rather dull.
• It takes forever for anything to heal. If I whack my ankle with the weedwhacker, I had a scab for a couple of weeks, then a red spot for a couple of months, then a scar. My skin looks like an old whale’s hide, with all the scars of a lifetime.
• I’ve always needed a good night’s sleep, but now staying out late almost kills me.
• The flesh on my face is starting to migrate south.
• Those little old lady whiskers that show up on the chin and neck? Now is when they start.
• Arch supports. I have had to get arch supports, which means cute, strappy sandals are completely off limits unless I want to have feet that feel like someone hit them with an anvil.
• Gum disease. This one is so unfair. I have always taken good care of my teeth and this is how they repay me.
The working life: Concealed carry
1 day ago