Sunday, October 4, 2009

Watch me on Oprah!

posted Thu, 09 Sep 2004

I know I said I was going to write about capital punishment today, but I changed my mind. Perhaps tomorrow. Today, I am going to write about the new diet I have invented that is going to make me a rich woman.

The rule is not to eat anything that could stain your clothes.

Here it is. And remember it’s my idea, so I am going to write the book and go on Oprah (I have practiced what I would say to her so many times – not about the diet book but about my syndicated column – no, it’s not extant yet, but I believe, I BELIEVE!). Don’t steal this idea because I have proof that it’s mine.

The dry-cleaning diet:
Don’t eat while you are wearing anything that needs to be dry cleaned. And then wear stuff that needs to be dry cleaned.

When I am wearing old clothes or something that is machine washable or even a suit that isn’t something I would throw in the machine (although I have tried that before because I hate paying for dry cleaning so much) but made of polyester so diet Coke would just roll off it, I never spill food or drink on myself. Never.

It is when I am wearing the nice silk or rayon (technically a natural fiber – did you know that? – it’s a wood derivative, I believe) that I have these spillage problems. Today I am wearing a lovely hot pink silk suit. It is gorgeous. When I got to the gym today, I realized I had spilled yogurt on the jacket. I just picked this suit up from the cleaners yesterday. For crying out loud. I cannot afford to take an outfit to the cleaners every single time I wear it. Yes, I have finally found a $2/item cleaners, but even that starts to add up, not to mention the hassle of actually going there. I have better things to do with my free time, like goof off.

It’s almost as if these fabrics attract food. There is some magnetic force that attracts foodstuff from my hand to the outfit in question. Perhaps it is a coating the cleaners apply. You know, to create more business for themselves. Bastards.

The only solution I can think of is not to eat at all while I am wearing these clothes. I guess I could wear other things to work, but I am serious about my job and I like to look like I am serious about my job. I want someone to look at me and know that I am someone to be reckoned with – not someone who stopped into the office on her way to the beach. (This means I do not believe that flipflops or those shoes without backs are appropriate for work.)

If I could not eat for the ten hours a day I am at work, plus the drive time of an hour back and forth, that would be the majority of my waking hours. It would leave me only four hours for eating, which actually is a lot when you think about it, but maybe I could keep my work clothes on until I go to bed.

Remember, you saw it here first: the dry cleaning diet.

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