Thursday, November 26, 2009

William Tell wouldn`t put up with this nonsense

posted Sun, 26 Dec 2004

I just opened about 20 pounds worth of Swiss Army knife.

Well. Maybe not that much.

My new knife has almost as many cool things on it as this one does!

But it’s pretty heavy. For Christmas, Harpo got me the super-duper one, with all the cool attachments. His intention was that I would open the box last week, before going to Florida, so I would think the knife was my only present and maybe be a little dismayed at getting something so utilitarian and unromantic.

Then he was going to surprise me with some gorgeous jewelry.

But his plan went awry when I didn’t open the box when it arrived – I didn’t know he was the one who had it sent to me and I assumed I was supposed to wait until Christmas to open it.

Then when he told me what he had sent me, I wasn’t dismayed. Instead, I was thrilled. Remember, I am the chick who was delighted to get her own belt sander for her birthday a few years ago. I really don’t care for frou-frou stuff. I want things I can use.

And Swiss Army knives are definitely something I can use.

Notice I wrote “knives,” not “knife.”

That is because I have an unfortunate tendency to forget that I have a knife, Swiss or otherwise, in my purse, when I am preparing to fly somewhere. If airport security actually finds said knife, they confiscate it.

I have lost about four knives this way. They have all been cheap imitation Swiss Army knives, so it has not been a big loss, but it is still a pain in the neck to replace.

But this morning, in Miami, I forgot to throw my real Swiss Army basic version (not Harpo’s gift, but the $14.99 knife from Walgreen’s) into my checked bag. The knife had made it through Security in M’town undetected, so I had forgotten about it. But when the TSA guy asked if my belt, which had silver conchas on it (a very cool belt to wear with my black suede jeans that I got for five dollars at the Junior League thrift shop), was going to set off the metal detector, I realized that the Miami TSA crew were a little more on the ball than the M’town TSA. I remembered the knife in my purse. Rats!

I told the TSA guy about it and he suggested I mail it to myself, telling me where I could find stamps and an envelope. I stomped off to do so, fuming.

Here is what is so ridiculous about the TSA’s rules about what you cannot carry aboard an airplane.

I am not a trained killer. I am not even a hobbyist killer. Yet I myself – a woman of 41 years, 5’5” tall, 133 lbs, slow and not very strong – have jammed a soda straw through a raw potato. (It is possible. Try it. If you can’t figure it out, write something in the comments and I’ll tell you the secret.)

My point is that almost anything can be turned into a weapon in the right hands. Hasn’t anyone in the TSA read any of Robert Ludlum’s books? Don’t they know that a trained killer can turn a ballpoint pen into a lethal weapon? Why are they worrying about li’l ole me and my Swiss Army knife?

I cannot believe I have to go through all this hassle when it is pointless. Anything can be a weapon in the right hands. And almost all the rules change when someone is willing to die himself to bring a plane down. I just want my knife!


  1. It's retarded, how the hell can you carry that around in your pocket let alone use it?

  2. I don't carry it in my pocket. I carry a small SAK in my purse and keep the huge one in my desk drawer.