posted Sat, 22 Jan 2005
My sweetie Harpo had a great post yesterday about public service ads and what a waste they are of taxpayer money. He says that we are paying the government to be a bunch of busybodies, telling us what to do.
I agree that I don’t want the government spending my money to have someone else tell me what to do, but what if I got to have the job of chief bossy busybody?
I would be perfect. I already tell people what to do (most times under my breath) as a hobby. To get paid for it would be a dream come true.
Really, it would be my ideal job. Even Ilene, the BR-HP, noted in a comment a few weeks ago that I would be great as a protocol officer because I like so much to tell people what to do.
This job would be best as a cabinet-level appointed position – the Busybody Czar – but if it had to be an elected position, I still think I could get the job pretty easily. Just off the top of my head, here are some planks for my platform that I’ll bet would get the agreement and votes of most right-thinking people. Remember that I would have the power to deputize.
1. I would confiscate any cellphone that rang in church or at the movies. If the possessor of said phone actually answered the phone and didn’t say, “I am on the way to perform the heart transplant,” I would throw the phone against the wall until it broke, then jump up and down on the remaining pieces. If words similar to, “Nothing. What are you doing,” emerged from the speaker’s mouth, I would vaporize him.
2. Did I mention I would get superpowers as part of the job?
3. Anyone who tried to get around a traffic jam by driving on the shoulder then sneaking back into the regular lane would find all his tires flattened.
4. I would remove the hat of anyone wearing a hat indoors.
5. I would jab long needles into the patooties of people sitting during the national anthem or the pledge of allegiance.
6. If you get into the express lane at the grocery store with more than the allowed number of items, be prepared for the consequences. That’s all I’m going to say about that one.
7. Remember freeze tag? I would have the power to “freeze” and make mute any kid acting obnoxious in public. If the parent(s) was not making any effort to keep the child’s behavior fit for civilization, the parent would be frozen as well. Parents making the effort would probably be grateful to have their tired, cranky kids muted for a while.
8. If you hog two parking spaces in a crowded parking lot, I will flatten all your tires. But not until you have left the lot and are on your way to somewhere important.
9. Same thing if you take a handicapped spot and you aren’t handicapped. Even if you have your grandmother’s handicapped sticker in the car so you technically aren’t breaking the law.
10. Any woman peeing on the seat in a public restroom and not cleaning it behind her would be forced to clean toilets for a month. With a toothbrush.
See how many good ideas I have? And this is just what I came up with while I was ru –walking my eight miles this morning. Imagine what I could do with a little more time.
I could have this place whipped into shape, I tell you.
The end of the line
11 months ago