Seven at one blow

posted Fri, 29 Apr 2005

Now that I am the owner of a flyswatter – there’s a technology that has not changed in a long time – I no longer pose a danger to my windows. Last year, I swatted at a fly that had perched on a window with a rolled-up magazine – and broke the window.

That’s when I learned how to glaze a window.

Only the guy at Home Depot lied to me about how to do it. He didn’t know – but he wasn’t going to admit it because hey, he’s a man and men would rather die than tell women they don’t know how to do something. He sold me caulking solution to use as glazing compound, which, I promise you, is not the same thing. He also offered to come over to my house after work to replace the window for me if I wanted. I didn’t want.

This was at a time when Harpo and I were having a fight, so I couldn’t ask him to do replace the window for me.

I learned a lot of really important things by replacing this window, the main one being don’t have a fight with your boyfriend before you break a window.

The next one was that they really mean it when they say to wear gloves whenever you are handling glass. Even though the edges look smooth, they are not.

Then I learned that the guy at the small, family-owned, charges-more, but gives-great-service hardware store didn’t know about glazing compound, either. You do not paint it on. It is not that liquid. I had never, ever, ever glazed a window, but even I knew to be suspicious when I heard that.

Anyhow, I replaced the window and it’s done and if I ever sell this house, it will have to be after dark with the blinds closed on that window, but there you go.

But I have been visited with a plague of flies this week. I’m not sure why. It’s not like I am keeping Jewish slaves against God’s will or anything. I have this flyswatter and now stalk the flies, daring them to alight on something I am willing to hit.

They are not so dumb, though. They land on light bulbs, lampshades, water glasses – breakable things. I learned my lesson with the window – that I am stronger than I know – and am more cautious now.

But I bide my time, and when they land on a radiator or a table, I act. My mom always scooped up and discarded the dead flies right away, but me, I leave them to rot as a warning to the others.