Friday, February 19, 2010

posted Sat, 20 Aug 2005

For the past year, I have been hoping to meet a really rich man with poor vision who wants to marry a 41-year-old spinster with chubby thighs so I wouldn’t have to go through this big SAP conversion at work because I fear it is going to be a complete disaster. Not so much because of what I am doing, because my team and I are doing an incredible job, but because what really needs to happen to make all this work is for the business to be run completely differently and that, I am afraid, is going to be very, very difficult.

As a backup plan, I have thrown my resume onto (I got an email the other day from a woman asking me to apply a job as her administrative assistant. I wrote back and suggested she modify her program to screen out resumes with “MBA,” saying that perhaps in a job market with only 5% unemployment, anyone with an advanced degree would not be interested in making her travel arrangements and sending her faxes for $24,000 a year. I have not heard back from her. Odd.)

Maybe I should get a job as a maid first, and then meet the rich man. That’s how it seems to work traditionally.

Now I have another reason to want to be a kept woman. Remember I had to fire my cleaning lady? And have not been able to find a replacement? OK, well, I have not been looking because after three cleaning ladies in five years, I have come to the conclusion that I am not going to find someone who is going to do the job I expect – that is, what I would do if I were cleaning the house myself.

So this morning, I vacuumed the floors, dusted the baseboards, polished the furniture, cleaned the bathroom – all the big stuff. Then this afternoon, I spilled a glass of water on the floor. I ran to the bathroom for a towel (the towel can be washed, Mom – I’d rather do that than let the floors warp while I run to the basement for a rag), wiped up the floor – and the towel was filthy. Filthy.

You know what this means, don’t you? Besides the fact that vacuuming alone does not get a wood floor clean.

It means that sooner or later, someone is going to have to mop the floor to get it really clean.

Unfortunately, I think that someone will have to be me.

But if I can find that rich guy in time, I can have servants! And never have to clean my own house again!

Isn’t there a website for women looking for sugar daddies? Where is it? I need it.

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