Monday, March 1, 2010


posted Thu, 15 Dec 2005

So I’m AT THE AIRPORT waiting for my flight to Colorado Springs. (Already rebooked on another airline – what was I thinking, trying to fly through O’Hare in the winter – was I nuts? At least United told me they were delayed and put me on American through DFW instead. Thanks, guys.)

I had to go through the usual security insanity. I don’t know what triggered the search for me this time, but they seem to pounce on me a lot. Yeah, there have been a bunch of Midwestern white chicks of a certain age who have tried to take down airplanes in the past 40 years. We’re a dangerous bunch, we soccer mom types. OK, I’m not a soccer mom, but I’m in that demographic except for the not having kids and a husband part.

The TSA lady asked if I had any sensitive parts I didn’t want touched.

“Yes,” I answered. “I don’t want any part of me touched.”

“Are you refusing to be screened?” an officious jerky TSA guy asked.

“I consent,” I replied snottily. I had every intention of getting on the plane. I tell you, the TSA in cities further north are so much nicer. Sometimes it is very easy to remember that M’town isn’t exactly in the South. It’s really a river city and that is a key difference.

I noticed them screening a uniformed Army officer and asked about it. “We screen everyone, including the pilots,” the TSA jerk told me.

Oh, that’s just great! Yes, what a good idea. Rather than screen actual potential terrorists – because there’s not a definite profile of who the terrorists actually are – there’s no pattern of who has been hijacking planes over the past 30 years or so – let’s screen the people who fly the planes because it’s not like they couldn’t crash them anyhow!

The next victims were two little girls, one of them about four years old. Uh huh. She looked pretty dangerous to me. She was crying in absolute terror. But you never know when someone might have planted a bomb on her! Especially on the soles of her feet, an area they had to check especially closely. Then, after she clung to her mother for comfort, they had to re-screen her, because she had been “contaminated.” I could almost see the TSA woman rolling her eyes at the insanity of it all. I did take some comfort from that.

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