Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Playing by The Rules, part 47

posted Wed, 12 Jul 2006

SH has a friend – “Belinda” – who was going to “make her move” this week with a guy she has known for several years. They have each always had a significant other before, but are now both unattached. Belinda thinks the reason this guy hasn’t asked her out yet is because he doesn’t think she is interested.

“Baloney," I said. "She doesn’t need to do anything. If he’s interested, he’ll make a move. Even if she’s not interested, he’ll make a move.”

SH was the guy version of this in high school and college, but he didn’t let that stop him. Men don’t need women to “make a move.” They do not lack confidence. And if they do, do you really want them?
Source: http://www.johnisland.ymca.ca/parents/images/nerd.jpg

“But what if he’s shy? Or doesn’t know that she’s interested?” SH protested.

“Did that ever stop you?”

For the record, SH is a late bloomer. He graduated from high school when he was 16 and from college when he was 19. He was a skinny kid with funny hair and bad skin. He has since turned into a knockout, but he wasn’t exactly a chick magnet back then and the age difference didn’t help.

But it didn’t stop him. His attitude was that he had nothing to lose. The worst that could happen was that the girl could say “no.”

My theory – borne out by practice – is that a guy will let a woman pursue him and there can be a dating relationship, but it will never last and the guy will never be serious. The only relationships that might endure – in my opinion – are the ones where the guy chases. If the guy isn’t interested enough to chase, then the relationship doesn’t have a chance.

It took me many years – many wasted years and many stupid, demeaning relationships (yes, I was not always the confident, empowered Class Factotum you know today) – to figure this out. Even though my parents kept trying to tell me.

If a man is really interested, he will ask. He’ll ask even if you aren’t interested. If you say “no,” he’ll keep asking. As a matter of fact, nothing seems to generate more interest in a man than saying “no.” That one was a big revelation to me. Who knew? Nothing like turning a man down to make him like you more. Throwing all sorts of “don’t ask me out” signals at a man just drives him mad with lust. Ignoring him is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Why did I learn all this stuff so late in life?

Belinda doesn’t need to “make a move.” A little light flirting can’t hurt, but she and this guy already know each other. If he’s interested, he’ll do something about it. If he’s not interested, there’s nothing she can do.

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