Saturday, March 20, 2010

What SH and I talk about on long road trips when we are not arguing about politics

posted Sun, 11 Jun 2006

Serious Honey came out of the men’s room at the truck stop between Indy and Louisville and reported that although there was a machine to exude cologne at 25 cents a shot and another to polish the tops of one’s shoes, there was no condom machine.

Why would there be a condom machine at a truck stop men’s room? I asked.

Why would there be a condom machine at a truck stop men’s room? he repeated with incredulity. Didn’t I know about the truck stop hooker industry?

Well, no, I didn’t, but now that I thought about it, it made perfect sense. Lots of men, a little bit of time, could be an efficient operation. They know the truckers aren’t on drugs (or at least, less likely to be on drugs than the average john), so they are safer than the average john. There are a lot of men coming in all the time – high turnover of potential customers. This is very good marketing.

I have lots of questions.

Where do they do it? In the cab of the truck? In that little place where they sleep? Is this a place where hookers go at the end of their career or is it where you would go to get started? That is, are they young and pretty or old and used up? Do the hookers mark their territory? Do you have to pay someone off to work at the truck stop? Does the manager get a cut? Someone has to be in it, I would think, for protection money, to keep from calling the cops.

How many tricks could you turn a night? There are physical limits to the big one, I would think – soreness and UTIs, but there are always the alternatives. Rates vary, of course. How long does it take for the average trick if it is a one-way transaction? SH thinks that these guys might want a warm body and some cuddling just because they are lonely. I disagreed, but what do I know? I have never been in the market for a hooker. If I were a hooker, I would charge extra for cuddling time. Get in, get out, get the money, would be my motto.

Do they take credit cards? Yes, you would have to operate under a front name and pay taxes, but you just jack up your rates to compensate. Cash is always cheaper.

We are going to stop at a truck stop when we get closer to Memphis and it’s closer to dark so I can try to spot a truck stop hooker. I will give you a full report.

5:30 p.m. Gas station in Kentucky. Both the ladies’ and the men’s room had diaper changers. Neither had condom machines. We think there might be a connection. Family gas station, no hookers.

9:00 p.m. Truck stop in west Arkansas. The cashier’s shirt was unbuttoned almost to his bellybutton, showing an impressive amount of chest hair. The men’s had a condom machine, the women’s did not. (But wouldn’t the well-prepared professional get her supplies in bulk at Wal-Mart where they would be cheaper?) Neither had a baby changer. There were porn magazines for sale. There were about eight trucks parked on the side, but I didn’t see any women wandering about, either by the trucks or in the store, and I watched for several minutes.

9:20 p.m. Flying J truck stop, Hwy 40 and Hwy 55. This was the place where it would happen if it were going to happen. Trucks galore. Dozens of trucks. We cruised the area, looking for hookers (they are called “lot lizards,” according to Wikipedia). We saw none, but did discover that there are places where truckers can hook up to air-conditioned sites for the night.

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