posted Fri, 22 Sep 2006
At last my dreams have come true and I have the possibility of – a job!
OK, it’s only a temp job and it’s only for a week, but hey! It’s better than what I have now.
The lady at the temp agency was very apologetic when she told me the pay. “I know you usually make a lot more than this,” she said.
“You mean the zero dollars an hour I am making now for sitting around doing nothing?” I asked. “It’s more than that. I’ll take it. At least at work I am far from my refrigerator.”
She is going to give my resume to this guy. No guarantee I have this gig although I don’t know why not. Shoot. I thought she was calling to tell me to show up. What is this auditioning for temp work?
I also had to have a drug test. None of this “violation of my Fourth Amendment rights” baloney. It’s not, OK? It’s only a violation if the government makes me do it, but if a private citizen or corporation says it’s a condition of employment, well, it might be annoying, but it’s not unconstitutional. I don’t like it, but I can see why companies do it. Do you know how much it costs in workers’ comp when there are accidents on the factory floor?
I wonder if they test for alcohol. I would if I could get away with it. Do you know how much it costs to put someone through rehab? Most states mandate that group health insurance plans pay for 30 days of inpatient substance abuse treatment. That can be a major hit to a company’s health plan. Think about that the next time you complain about your health insurance premiums. Think about it doubly hard when you realize that probably the key factor to quitting drugs or alcohol or any other addiction is the will to quit, not the $50,000 investment in a treatment center.
I went to the drug test place. Most people worry that they won’t be able to pee on demand, but not me. One of the biggest forms of exercise in my life is running to the bathroom. I pee continually. I wasn’t worried. My bladder and I, we’re like this: [imagine two fingers intertwined].
I was surprised to find the lab not following the proper procedures. I’ve done this before, so I know. The tap in the sink was turned on. It’s supposed to be turned off. The ceiling panels were not taped shut. The toilet water was not dyed blue. These people were amateurs, amateurs I tell you. I could have smuggled in my clean pee powder, mixed it with toilet water and faked them out.
Hey – I just had an idea. I could start selling my pee for clean pee. Why not! This is America! I’m an entrepreneur! I could get rich! I already spend all day peeing. It’s not like it would take any extra effort. When life gives you lemons, etc, etc. You know, kinda how like Wendy’s took their leftover hamburgers and turned them into chili. Maybe I could pee for a career.