posted Tue, 07 Aug 2007
I have been doing extensive research, slogging through “Whose Wedding is It Anyway,” “Dr. 90120,” “Extreme Makeover,” and “What Not to Wear.” I do this so you don’t have to. I have picked up on some really important life tips:
1. It is no longer considered socially unacceptable for a couple to have their two sons, one nine and one six, serve as the ring bearers at their white with all the trimmings wedding.
2. Although I want bigger bosoms, I do not want the surgery to get them. Have you seen them stuff that implant into that tiny incision?
3. Implants change shape over time.
4. A lot of makeup can totally transform someone.
5. But who wants to put on all that makeup every day?
6. A lot of brides really do try to make their bridesmaids look as bad as possible, to the point of telling the makeup artist to make sure that the purpose of the bridesmaids is to make the bride look good.
7. People spend a ton of money on weddings, which is fine, it’s their money and I’ve had a great time at my friends’ weddings, but all things considered, I’d rather elope.
8. The right shoes can make or break an outfit. (OK, I knew this part. What I didn’t know was how many great shoes were so far from my unemployed reach. Oh, heck, even when I was gainfully employed, I was not willing to pay $500 for a pair of shoes. How do I get onto that show so Clinton and Stacey – yes, we are now on a first-name basis – will pay for my shoes?)
9. I have no sense of style and my wardrobe is c**p.
10. If you ask someone to evaluate your wardrobe so you can have a complete makeover at their expense, you shouldn’t whine that Clinton and Stacey are being “mean” to you when they mock the pajamas pants you wear to pick your kid up from school and run into the grocery store for a gallon of milk.
11. The only reason for me ever to move to Los Angeles would be to be the bridesmaid.