Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Stay away from my boyfriend

posted Sun, 30 Sep 2007

SH went out the other night, as is his wont when I am not there and he is so, so lonely that he must drown his sorrows in beer and karaoke. He sat alone at a table, minding his own business, drinking his exotic, high-hops tap beer and thinking about how much he missed me and how empty his life was when I’m not around. He was so lonely and bored that he was actually people watching, which is something he rarely does – it is usually up to me to point out the woman whose skirt is tucked into her pantyhose or the girl with “JUICY!” written across her butt, which is just the look I would want my pre-teen daughter to sport, or the lesbian couple wearing tuxedos and shouldn’t they be in dresses because tuxedos are for men and black tie means formal for your sex and not literally black tie unless you are a man and women in tuxedos look as bad as women in khakis and polo shirts.*

There was a woman – let’s call her Boyfriend-stealing B—OK, let’s call her Barb. Barb sat at the bar alone and rebuffed approach after approach. After a while, she came to SH’s table and asked if she could sit with him. Her story was that she was on a date with the guy who ran the karaoke show, but karaoke show guy was not interested in Barb in person – this was their first live date after meeting on She had driven up from Chicago to meet karaoke guy*2 and now things weren’t going so well.

OK. I can understand how a woman might not want to be sitting alone when she is supposed to be on a date and how maybe sitting with SH would deter the would-be Lotharios from hitting on her. I can’t understand why she just didn’t leave if it was clear that she and karaoke guy weren’t going to work out, but obviously, it was because she had designs on MY MAN. That, of course, is completely understandable because SH, with his baby blue eyes, dimples, cute butt and sexy smile, is totally babalicious and women look at us when we are together and shoot daggers at me with their eyes, all the time wondering, “What’s he doing with her? He could do so much better, like me!”

But they leave us alone because I work out and could take them down and they know it.

So Bi—I mean, Barb, sits with SH. Because the bar is full and there are almost no empty seats, this other guy joins them. When Barb goes to the bathroom, Other Guy tells SH he thinks Barb is hot and he wants to get into her pants.*3

When Barb returns, OG mentions that there is a band next door. “We should go!” Barb says. SH declines. He didn’t like her, he told me. She was totally Type A hyper and way too thin.

Jennifer Anniston thin? I ask.

Yeah, but angular, he said.

Then I have a good 30 pounds on her, I told him.

I like how you look, not how she looks, he said. I don’t like women who are bony like that.

Good. Good answer. I am built for comfort, not for speed.

So Barb and OG are getting ready to go to the other bar. Barb asks SH for his card. Don’t have one, he says.

“That’s OK,” she tells him. “I’ll track you down.”

Which she does! Girlfriend googled my SH, got his phone number and CALLED HIM!*4

SH was nonplussed. He wasn’t sure why she was calling him and wasn’t sure what to say to her.*5 I suggested he could have just said, “I have a girlfriend,”*6 but he said he was so surprised at the phone call and then wasn’t sure if she was interested in him THAT WAY or if she really just wanted someone to go sing with.

OF COURSE she was interested in him THAT WAY. That’s why she went through all the work to find and call him.

SH just put her off, though. She gave him her number and told him she would drive up from Chicago if he wanted to go out. Umm, OK, SH said, then called to tell me the story.

Poor girl. She needs her own SH, not mine.

* I should note that the reason I have the luxury of people watching when he and I are walking somewhere is that he is doing the hard work of navigating and I am just following him.

*2 First clue – if a guy is really interested, he’ll do the work. I went out with this guy in Miami for a while. He lived in Ft Lauderdale (we met on the commuter train) and would take the train to Miami, then walk the two miles from the stop to my house, even though I had offered to pick him up. On our first date, he repaired my dryer, which gave me a false sense of our compatibility – I had major appliances, he had mechanical ability – and I dated him longer than I should have.

*3 Maybe not those words, but that’s what was going on.

*4 Second clue – if a guy is interested, he’ll call you. My mother spent years trying to convince me of this, but I ignored her and ignored her, all to my distress. Chasing boys never brought me anything but heartache. If they want you enough, they will find you. SH got my numbers from our mutual friend the day after we met – then waited THREE DAYS to answer my email, so I thought he was messing with me. He told me that he had been caught in a snowstorm in Minneapolis and had suffered through flight cancellations and getting to the hotel at you know, 4:00 a.m. before going to work at 8 for 12 hours, but I still think he could have answered my email, don’t you? It all worked out in the end, though, and he’s the best boyfriend in the world.

*5 Because he is such a cutie! Because she wanted to go out with him! Because Bi— wanted to STEAL MY BOYFRIEND!

*6 I do understand him on this one. I have had guys ask me to lunch or suggest some activity and I haven’t been sure if I was being asked on a date or a “just friends” thing. I have always hesitated to say, “I have a boyfriend,” because what if they weren’t asking me for a date and then would roll their eyes and say, “Oh, right! AS IF I would be interested in dating YOU!”

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