Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Going to the chapel

posted 01/30/08

The realtors came yesterday to look at my house, set a price and give me suggestions on how to improve its salability. Yes, I’m selling my house because SH and I are getting married and I am moving to Milwaukee. Yes, I know it’s about darn time. No, I don’t have an engagement story. We’ve just been talking about it forever and now the divorce is final (in November, five and a half years after he filed and three and a half years after I met him, so I am not a homewrecker!) so we can do it, although we still have to wait for six months because of this old stupid Wisconsin law, otherwise we’d go to the JP this weekend. Next weekend. Whenever we are together again. But SH has me on his company insurance now as his domestic partner, so at least there’s that.

I have plenty of annulment and divorce drama stories, but let’s just leave the lessons learned from those experiences as 1) leave the ex-wife’s address off the annulment application if you are applying for a “lack of form” annulment, which does not require that she be notified (and hence really ticked off) instead of telling the guy at the archdiocese over and over that SH really wants to know before they send a letter to “Imelda” so he can be the one to tell her and believing archdiocese guy when he says that no letter has been sent* but then it turns out that it has because AD wanted to have Imelda notified in case a formal annulment was necessary, which it’s not and didn’t we say to tell us first? so now Imelda is boiling mad at SH because not only is he applying for an annulment (which he would only do to remarry, as he is not Catholic) but he didn’t even have the guts to tell her himself, which of course he would have but he didn’t think she was getting a letter, and phoned and called him some not very nice things (girl has a mouth on her), which means SH is in a mood and 2) don’t marry unless you are sure she is The One because getting out of a mistake marriage is a very costly** endeavor.

See? No clutter. We even bought a puzzle board so we can move the jigsaw puzzle easily.

Back to the house. The only comments the 15 agents or so made about my house were that I needed to hide the space heaters (which I knew – no sense in drawing attention to the fact that it is a pain in the neck to heat this house) and paint the front porch. My realtor told me that usually, she has to tell people to de-clutter. Not me. I am the anti-clutterer. An agent also commented that I don’t have a dishwasher, which is wrong – I am the dishwasher. Is it so hard to wash dishes? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I don’t have a bunch of kids, but if you have kids, you have subordinates to whom you can delegate dishwashing, so you still come out ahead. Plus, the way you have to scrub some dishes before putting them into the machine, you might as well just wash them by hand.

The good thing about my neighborhood is that it attracts a lot of tree-hugging liberals (“Hillary!” bumper stickers abound) and I know no good environmentalist would waste energy by using a dishwasher, so it’s not going to be a problem.

I will miss my cute little uncluttered bungalow with its prize-winning yard.

* At least the letter got to her after she had sent SH their $10,000 tax refund check for which he gave Imelda her half as soon as she put it in the mail (certified) and he had the tracking number. The Post Office, however, decided not to hold the check with the rest of SH’s mail in December so when we got to Milwaukee early this month, the check had been returned to California. You know – because SH hadn’t picked it up. He kept ignoring those notices that were in his held mail because hello, he was out of town, which is why his mail was being held in the first place.

I had to call the Post Office every day and ask where the check was. I spoke to the carrier in California three times (not because the Milwaukee PO gave me that information, but because I tracked him down), each time imploring him not to return the check to Imelda but to send it back to SH. I gave the whole story – disgruntled ex-wife, already has her share of the money, took a month to send it in the first place, no reason to send it back to SH – in hopes that they would remember the letter when they saw it again and think, “Wasn’t there something about this letter that I was supposed to do?”

The letter finally got back to California two weeks after it was sent from Milwaukee. No tracking information. Just me calling to nag every day. The day it got back there, I spoke to the carrier again. “You wanted me to return this to Imelda, right?” he asked.

“No!!!!!! Send it back to SH!” I practically shrieked into the phone.

The good news is that the check was waiting for SH when he returned to Milwaukee on Saturday. But the moral of this story is don’t expect things to go smoothly and always plan for the worst.

** Old joke: Why does divorce cost so much? Because it’s worth it.

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