I am on to you “coffee” drinkers now. Ha. You’re not “coffee” drinkers; you are full-fat milk, lots of whipped cream and some chocolate with a wee little bit of coffee thrown in for flavor drinkers. You can’t hold a candle to real coffee drinkers.
How do I know this? Because Serious Honey has developed a little bit of a “coffee” habit. (He does not claim to be a serious coffee drinker, although he has been known to make coffee at home and add nothing that would make it taste good, so he is man enough to take the real stuff.) There is a coffee shop near his house, right next to the Great Harvest bakery. We walk there on Saturday mornings to get breakfast at the bakery (and shamelessly sample whatever they have out) and coffee at the coffee shop.
He orders a chocolate au lait, which means “chocolate milk and whipped cream with a dash of coffee flavor.” Heck, even I can drink that. And I do. He’ll ask if I want my own, but I say no because if I get my own, the calories count. I’d rather just drink out of his. So I have developed the habit of drinking as much of the whipped cream-infested part as I can before he gets to it.
I even ordered my own “coffee” the other day when my friend Teri and I went to High Point Coffee after boot camp last Friday. Yes, it is the first time in my life I have ordered “coffee,” and don’t go telling me that hot chocolate and whipped cream with a quarter-shot of espresso doesn’t count as coffee* because about the only person I know who orders straight coffee with none of the extras is Harpo and he is from Miami. They take their coffee seriously there. Don’t get between a Cuban and his coffee. (No, Harpo is not Cuban, but he learned coffee from Cubans.) Heck, he orders a cup of coffee with a triple shot of espresso in it. No milk. No whipped cream. No chocolate. That is coffee that will put hair on your chest.
But the rest of you? I’ve seen you at Starbucks, with your half-fat, half-skim, 30% Jamaican Blue, 70% high-country, fair-trade, organic Guatemalan leftist all the profits invested in women’s reproductive rights organizations coffee beans, a quarter shot of hazelnut, a third shot of vanilla, a full shot of chocolate, and a big dollop of whipped cream grande.
Ha. You sissies. If I can drink that stuff, it’s not coffee. I’ll take a domino-playing, guayabera-wearing, 85-year-old Cuban émigré and his 75-cent thimble-full of concentrated coffee sludge over you milk-drinking posers any day.
* Although I suppose that technically, based on what I ordered, I am not a coffee drinker either, but then, I don't claim to be.
The end of the line
11 months ago