Saturday, September 11, 2010

How to sell your house for dummies, or, Step away from the purple paint

posted 03/12/08

1. “Convenient to restaurants, schools and shopping” is technically correct, but perhaps “next to the parking lot of Ray’s Wine and Spirits” might be a more accurate description.

2. A Glade plug-in does not eliminate the smell of wet dog; it merely makes the house smell like a wet dog that has bathed in Glade.

3. It is better to do nothing to your kitchen than to renovate it with a Home Depot DIY cabinet kit.

4. If your taste runs to mint-green walls, you should not be allowed to make permanent, expensive-to-undo changes to your house.

5. Saltillo tile doesn’t belong in a 1920’s Arts and Crafts bungalow. It just doesn’t. If you can’t remember that, then think this: it is one of the Vatican’s new sins to rip up 1920’s hardwood floors to replace them with anything from Lowe’s. I know you did it because the rest of the house still has the floors, which are incredible. Why, I beg you, why?

6. A corollary of #5: you will spend a lot of time in Purgatory for applying spray-on flocking to the original plaster walls of a brick bungalow. You might go straight to hell if you spray the flocking and don’t even bother to mask the trim or remove the switchplates.

7. If the original doorknobs are crystal, you are forbidden to install modern silver-plate knobs on the new hollow-core plastic doors you put on the closets. Make an effort, people.

8. If you are going to add a bathroom upstairs, please call an architect and a decorator before you start. Really. It’s not as simple as plumbing the northwest corner of the attic. It isn’t.

9. I’m going to say it again: no bright green walls.

10. Masking tape. Have you not heard of masking tape? I know you want that red trim against the white wall, but that’s an unforgiving combination. Invest in a $2.83 roll of masking tape. You’ll be glad you did.

No comments:

Post a Comment