Saturday, July 31, 2010

Sort of good intentions

posted Tue, 20 Nov 2007

The breakfast of someone who is trying not to eat too much:

10:15 two sections of an orange and a diet Coke
10:20 four M&Ms (dark chocolate)
10:30 a handful of Cheerios
10:35 more Cheerios and some Grape-Nuts
10:50 more M&Ms
11:00 a spoonful of peanut butter. Or two.
11:15 some of the pepper beef Mom has made for supper
11:20 more M&Ms
11:25 one -- no, two -- gingerbread cookies that Mom left on the counter for our late arrival last night
11:30 two scrambled eggs with tomatillo salsa

Cute for ten seconds

posted Mon, 19 Nov 2007

but then it gets annoying when the little boy waiting for the airplane to Denver that is now three hours delayed (and still might be cancelled) starts pulling his dad's suitcase backwards and announcing, "Beep! Beep! Beep! I'm backing up!"

In training for Thursday

posted Mon, 19 Nov 2007

A busy weekend – supper with Stephen and Leigh and the lovely Sophia, who is now chattering up a storm:

Sophia: I want to go out and talk to SH.

Stephen: OK.

Sophia: I can’t open the door.

Stephen: Uh huh.

Sophia: I want to talk to SH! I can’t open the door.

Stephen [messing with her]: Yup.

Sophia: I want you to open the door for me!!!!

Stephen: Oh. Why didn’t you say so?

Why SH needs a new girlfriend

posted Sun, 18 Nov 2007

Because I make his life too difficult with hard questions like, "Are all the clothes you want me to wash in the laundry basket?" "Would you like some oatmeal for breakfast?" and "Do you want to keep this cork?" (from the bottle of wine that is now empty).

These questions require a lot of thought and demanding me, I expect an answer in like, seconds.

He can do better.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Let this serve as a warning to others

posted Sat, 17 Nov 2007

Any rat will think twice about coming into my territory once he sees this dessicated, Guanajato-esque corpse lying next to the basement stairs. Score: CF 2, rats 0.

Project manager in charge of Saturday

posted Sat, 17 Nov 2007

It's a beautiful, sunny day and there are a lot of fun things to do. SH is awake but still in bed.

Me: Are you going to go back to sleep?

SH: I don't know yet.

Me: [pause] When do you think you'll know?

Buy nice or buy twice

posted Fri, 16 Nov 2007

Yesterday, I spent four hours busting rocks in the hot sun.

Well, digging out rocks from the edge of the flowerbeds and carrying them to the side of the house in the cool sun.

But it was still hard work. And it reminded me why I try not to break too many laws: I don’t want to do this sort of work every day.

Anyone want to buy some rocks? I have hated them since I put them in, but was too cheap to buy the ones I really wanted – flat, slate-like, brown – after I had already spent $250 on these. When a guy stops by your house and asks if you want to buy some rocks and even tells you that he’ll help you put them in, you don’t ask questions. But you should.

The Zaxes

posted Thu, 15 Nov 2007

I’m walking on the sidewalk, on the right side, which also happens to be the street side. A little old man wearing an Aeropostale sweatshirt and carrying a bag approaches. When he sees me, he moves to my side of the sidewalk, which annoys me greatly, as isn’t the rule walk on the right? But he refuses to yield, so at the last second, I swerve left.

As we pass, he smiles and says something. I remove my earpieces.

Me: Pardon me?

Him: You the lady! You supposed to be on the inside!

Oh. Right. Manners.

The moral of the story is to not do today what you can put off until next year

posted Wed, 14 Nov 2007

I have hated the stump left from cutting down the tree in my front yard for years, but not enough to do anything about it. I thought about having someone dig it out, but it was going to cost something like $500, and I sure didn’t hate it $500 worth.

Then I thought about digging it out myself, but after watching my neighbor and his dad dig out a tree and take an entire day doing it, I thought, “No, I don’t hate the stump that much.” Yes, I am pretty darn lazy.

So for years, I’ve looked at that darn stump and hated it $499 and less than a day’s work worth.

The stump, as it has looked for a long time.

This morning, I woke up and said to myself, “Lazy-butt self, this is the day when you actually accomplish something. You will not goof off on the computer or start a new book or go to Blockbuster until that tree is gone and I don’t mean maybe, missy.”

I tried to argue back, but my more productive self snapped that I had been sitting on my kiester for way too long and if I wasn’t going to be a taxpayer then at least I was going to make my yard look good.

After fortifying myself with some French toast (leftovers at Lindley’s house), cheese and crackers, and some chocolate chips, I set out for the front yard. I started to dig, already feeling sorry for myself, when I discovered that the shovel was going very deep under the tree. I wasn’t hitting any roots. Well, I was, but they were breaking up.

What was this? I dug around the circumference of the tree and every time I hit resistance, it disappeared as soon as I applied a little force from underneath.

The roots had rotted. They were crumbling as soon as the shovel touched them. My procrastination was being rewarded. If I had tried this two years ago, I would still be outside digging. (Well, not literally, but you know what I mean.) But what should have been a five-hour job became a ten-minute job through the simple strategy of being lazy and putting off an unpleasant task. Let this be a lesson to you all.

Ten minutes, yes, ten minutes after I started to dig, the stump was ready to be lifted out of the ground.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Trading one obsession for another

posted Tue, 13 Nov 2007

I have been obsessed with two things today: not picking at my face, which, along with eating and reading about food, is one of my hobbies, and watching a few lovely Brahmin Crandall purses in Toasted Almond on eBay.

I covet that purse, but I am not willing to pay retail for it ($355, I think). I am willing to pay much, much less, but so far, other eBay bidders are willing to pay less than retail but more than I am willing to pay, so I have been thwarted for the past week.

This purse is perfect – it has a shoulder strap, which is essential, as I use my hands even when I am carrying a purse. I tried a gorgeous black alligator-patterned leather purse from Ann Taylor last month, the kind you have to carry in your hand or can stick over your shoulder but only if you’re not wearing a coat, but it was just too darn inconvenient to have to keep pushing it out of the way and then taking it down off my shoulder just to open it. It was perfect in every other way – it had enough room for three pairs of glasses (RX sunglasses, distance glasses and working on the computer glasses, which are not the same as farsighted because I am over 40 glasses), it had interior pockets, and it had a flap closure so that when I threw it into my car, the contents would not spill onto the floor and roll under the seats.

The Brahmin bag has all these qualities as well and the shoulder strap. And it is gorgeous, which is also a requirement.

But I can’t afford it.

I can wait.

Someday, that purse will be mine.

And spending all day watching the bidding is keeping me from the bathroom mirror and the temptation to squeeze, squeeze, squeeze.

Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the law

posted Mon, 12 Nov 2007

Emails between my sister and me:

Me: Hey -- I need your bosom measurement so I know which size sweater to make. I am assuming you want the pink one with the fun multi-colored cuffs and neck?

Jenny: Either sweater would be great. I don't know if that is "your" shade of pink or not, but I think both will be cute. What measurements do you need? I should be a medium.

Me: Measure your boobs! I need the number.

Jenny: 36 when they are in the position they are suppose to be in.

Don`t make me regret this

posted Sun, 11 Nov 2007

I’m not sure who wrote the questions to go with the Nabisco Chips Ahoy Soft Baked Chocolate Chunk Cookies sample giveaway, but maybe “Are you interested in losing weight?” is not the best thing to ask in this situation.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Better than the truth

posted Sun, 11 Nov 2007

Mom to little boy who is peering into the storm sewer: Whatcha looking for, hon?

Little boy [without looking up]: Ninja turtles. Leonardo? Leonardo! LEONARDOOOOOO!

Shave and a haircut 2, or, we`ll give you the coffee for free but you`ll have to rent a cup

posted Thu, 08 Nov 2007

What makes you roll your eyes at the beauty college:

Stylist: Would you like a shampoo?

Me: I don’t know. What does it cost?

Stylist: Let me check. [returns] It’s free.

Me: OK

After the shampoo has been rinsed:

Stylist: Ooops. Let me go get some conditioner. [returns] Umm. I’m so sorry. If you want conditioner, it’s an extra $2.25.

Me: Never mind!

Shave and a haircut 1

posted Thu, 08 Nov 2007

What you don’t want (although should expect) to hear from the young woman at the beauty school who has just cut one inch (really, one and a half inches, but hair grows) from your hair:

Whew! That’s the first haircut I’ve given!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Re-runs

Thanks to alert reader Lindy, I discovered I had lost track of time and have been re-posting old stuff. Sorry about that!

Laundry tip, 13:42-47, 51-53

posted Tue, 06 Nov 2007


Be not ye careless when ye shall toss the substance of the bleaching to rid and abolish the maggots of the dead vermin that remain on the basement floor after the vermin hath been removed to the place where dead vermin go to rot until two days after the next Sabbath for the trash was collected yesterday morning and shall not be collected again until the next Tuesday, for the Monday is a day of remembrance and it is commanded that none who earn their daily bread from taxes shall work on that Monday but all who rely on the voluntary exchange of alms for goods and services shall work on that Monday, but the carcasses of vermin and the remains of other household activities, they will not be collected until Tuesday if thy usual trash day is Monday,

LEST ye scatter the substance on thy own self and cause white spots to appear on thy favorite brown velour (too-tight but they are for lounging in thy home only so none shall lay eyes upon thy abundant butt encased in that velour except thou when thou shall accidentally behold thy butt in the large mirror in the guest room and give a gasp of horror) pants, which spots shall be impossible to remove for verily, they themselves are created by a removing of the very color that resides in the brown velour and all the peoples shall know that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of the needle than it is to restore color to a garment that has been rent with the substance of the bleaching.

Be ye warned also that the substance of the bleaching shall not remove the grayish-green spots of unknown provenance from the fluffy bath towels that are white, even shall ye try once, try twice, try three times to apply a mixture that be one half water and one half substance of the bleaching, for the substance of the bleaching works only when ye shall separate thy desire for the bleaching function from the possibility of it coming to pass. Nay, the items to be whitened will not be whitened when ye shall covet such whitening and shall only be whitened when ye do not desire that such a thing come to pass, for thy inheritance is in heaven, not on earth.

Why SH is the best boyfriend in the world, #19,429

posted Mon, 05 Nov 2007

Because he went downstairs and got rid of the dead rat (that cost $20 of poison to kill) that was making the basement stink.

One is a start. One hundred would be better.

PS Yes, despite the fact that I almost vomited and ran back upstairs when I saw this foul vermin, I did ask SH to wait until I had taken a photo before he disposed of it. Looking at the photo makes me almost as sick to my stomach as seeing the thing live. Dead.

PPS Aren't you glad I share these intimate moments with you?

In training

posted Sun, 04 Nov 2007

The morning after the night before, when SH and his out-of-town friend hit Beale Street and had a few beers each.

SH: Oooooh. My head is kinda fuzzy. I’m turning into a lightweight – I only had a few beers. I don’t drink as much as I used to.

Me: So the obvious solution is for you to drink more so you can get used to it again?

SH: Yes. It’s like running.

At least he wasn`t in the A/V club

Sorry for the duplicate posts. I don't know how I got off track. I'm not a detail person. Obviously.

posted Thu, 01 Nov 2007

SH: Did you know I used to collect coins?

Me: Ah yes. How many nerd characteristics do you have?

SH: I don’t anymore.

Me: Just tell me you are not a Star Trek aficionado.

SH: I’m not a Trekkie. [pause] But I do occasionally watch the show and I’ve seen most of the movies.