How to catch up on your sleep when your night-owl, needs only five hours a night husband is gone:
8:30 a.m. Drink a diet dr pepper
12:5 p.m. Drink another diet dr pepper
3:45 p.m. Get a mocha from McDonald’s just because you see a McDonald’s billboard for coffee and think, “Yum. A mocha would be good and it can’t possibly be as expensive as Starbucks.”
8:30 p.m. Get into bed with a book. Start one book. It’s about baseball and guy who goes back in time to 1869 and plays with the Cincinnati Reds. Cute premise and cool look at the culture at that time, but wayyyy to descriptive about the actual baseball games. I mean, I do OK with watching baseball with SH as long as I can read a book or magazine at the same time. Switch to the book your sister told you to read – “Eat, Pray, Love” – thinking it’s going to be some stupid new-age harmonic convergence BS but it turns out to be very funny so you read longer than you intended to.
10:00 p.m. Turn out light. Don’t sleep, don’t sleep, don’t sleep.
10:20 p.m. Check email. Why isn’t there any email from SH? Is he dead? Oh crap if he’s dead you have no way to tell his local bar friends Sheila Paul John and Justin about the funeral because all you know about them is that they are named Sheila Paul John and Justin and SH’s cellphone which has all their numbers was probably destroyed in the car accident that killed him and does SH want to be buried or cremated you don’t know you don’t even know what the account number is or where it’s stored for the cable which you would cancel because you don’t watch enough tv to make it worthwhile and do how do you ship a body back from Boston to Milwaukee if he wants to be cremated should you just do it there but then what if there is a problem getting the ashes through security because you sure aren’t going to check those and what is the etiquette regarding throwing a funeral and who stays where do you have to let people stay at your house no you don’t want to be hostess in this situation and you don’t want to have to find everyone a hotel either can’t they do it themselves not to mention you sure don’t want to be picking people up at the airport so they are just going to have to get cars and there’s nobody here to bring casseroles because I don’t have any friends here except for a very few Todd Andrea Jennifer and I suppose Pastor Gail would come over because she would be doing the funeral but I don’t think the pastor brings a casserole what are you going to feed everyone oh to heck with it they can take care of themselves it’s not like there’s no food to be found in Milwaukee I really hope he’s not dead because that would totally suck.
10:51 p.m. Get up to pee. Go back to bed. Don’t sleep.
11:10 p.m. Where are those Excedrin PM? Surely I have some. I haven’t needed to take these for months, but two diet sodas and a coffee late in the day what was I thinking? call for the big guns so take two.
11:30 p.m. Don’t sleep, don’t sleep, don’t sleep.
7:00 a.m. Wake up because you told your body to wake up early so you could get to the gym. Say Are you kidding me? and go back to sleep.
The end of the line
11 months ago