Monday, December 20, 2010

Four winks

posted 10/09/08

How to catch up on your sleep when your night-owl, needs only five hours a night husband is gone:

8:30 a.m. Drink a diet dr pepper

12:5 p.m. Drink another diet dr pepper

3:45 p.m. Get a mocha from McDonald’s just because you see a McDonald’s billboard for coffee and think, “Yum. A mocha would be good and it can’t possibly be as expensive as Starbucks.”

8:30 p.m. Get into bed with a book. Start one book. It’s about baseball and guy who goes back in time to 1869 and plays with the Cincinnati Reds. Cute premise and cool look at the culture at that time, but wayyyy to descriptive about the actual baseball games. I mean, I do OK with watching baseball with SH as long as I can read a book or magazine at the same time. Switch to the book your sister told you to read – “Eat, Pray, Love” – thinking it’s going to be some stupid new-age harmonic convergence BS but it turns out to be very funny so you read longer than you intended to.

10:00 p.m. Turn out light. Don’t sleep, don’t sleep, don’t sleep.

10:20 p.m. Check email. Why isn’t there any email from SH? Is he dead? Oh crap if he’s dead you have no way to tell his local bar friends Sheila Paul John and Justin about the funeral because all you know about them is that they are named Sheila Paul John and Justin and SH’s cellphone which has all their numbers was probably destroyed in the car accident that killed him and does SH want to be buried or cremated you don’t know you don’t even know what the account number is or where it’s stored for the cable which you would cancel because you don’t watch enough tv to make it worthwhile and do how do you ship a body back from Boston to Milwaukee if he wants to be cremated should you just do it there but then what if there is a problem getting the ashes through security because you sure aren’t going to check those and what is the etiquette regarding throwing a funeral and who stays where do you have to let people stay at your house no you don’t want to be hostess in this situation and you don’t want to have to find everyone a hotel either can’t they do it themselves not to mention you sure don’t want to be picking people up at the airport so they are just going to have to get cars and there’s nobody here to bring casseroles because I don’t have any friends here except for a very few Todd Andrea Jennifer and I suppose Pastor Gail would come over because she would be doing the funeral but I don’t think the pastor brings a casserole what are you going to feed everyone oh to heck with it they can take care of themselves it’s not like there’s no food to be found in Milwaukee I really hope he’s not dead because that would totally suck.

10:51 p.m. Get up to pee. Go back to bed. Don’t sleep.

11:10 p.m. Where are those Excedrin PM? Surely I have some. I haven’t needed to take these for months, but two diet sodas and a coffee late in the day what was I thinking? call for the big guns so take two.

11:30 p.m. Don’t sleep, don’t sleep, don’t sleep.

7:00 a.m. Wake up because you told your body to wake up early so you could get to the gym. Say Are you kidding me? and go back to sleep.

Cruel shoes

posted 10/07/08

I have solved my Spain shoe dilemma. I face this every time I travel: what shoe can I wear that is both 1) beautiful and 2) comfortable? Many, many people would say that beautiful, comfortable shoes is an oxymoronic concept, that one cannot have a shoe that flatters the foot and leg and outfit without causing pain.

Those people would be right.

But that doesn't mean I surrender.

I want to wear my new red wrap dress (thanks, Talbot's sale!) on the plane. It's knit, so it's the perfect fabric for travel. It's red, which, as we know based on the wedding experience, looks smashing on me, especially now that my hair is Clairol #24 Clove. And it's flattering -- it makes me look as if I have a bosom and a waist, which is a miracle of engineering and design.

With that dress, one would usually wear high heels. But that would be insane for traveling, especially if one runs the risk that one’s check-on luggage containing one’s hiking boots might not arrive on the same plane as one as happened in the last trip to Spain and one ended up traipsing the cobbled, uneven sidewalks of Madrid in one’s high-heeled boots, causing one to hobble and cry to the churros place instead of walking happily with a spring in one’s step to the mecca of chocolate.

Once we were at the churros place, all pain was forgotten, but still.

Hence, I have been seeking the perfect flat, pretty, flattering, comfortable shoe. I thought about getting the black cowboy (at first, I accidentally typed “wowboy,” which seems more appropriate) boots at DSW, but they were too expensive and I already have black boots. Then I tried some low-heeled black Kenneth Cole shoes, but may I say something?

Those shoes are crap. The soles aren’t even leathah and the tops are glued, not stitched, to the soles. I thought Kenneth Cole was supposed to be some swanky designer, but if you are a swanky designer, then don’t have crappy shoes made in China under your brand.

Anyhow. The solution, as always, is to return to the past and wear shoes from a consignment/thrift store, i.e., shoes that were made in Italy or Brazil and don’t have any “man-made” materials in them and that I can afford. I got the boots in the photo years ago in Memphis and never wore them because they were too tight, but the hour has come.

Fighting The Man

posted 09/30/08

The moral of the story is if you try to make your maiden name your middle name because you have never liked your middle name (sorry, Big Factotum), the DMV will look at the document from the social security office (the best-run office of all the government agencies I had to visit yesterday -- don't even get me started on how INEFFICIENT the MILWAUKEE COUNTY government process for getting marriage licenses and certificates is and how the lady who does the initial intake at the Recorder of Deeds for the county is rude and cranky and should be fired and would be if she worked for Starbucks but she won't because she's a government employee, which is code for tenure) and misinterpret and put your maiden name as your last name (ie, instead of becoming Class Facotum Honey, with Factotum as the middle name, they decide that Factotum is the last name), which means when you register to vote, they tell you your last name is Factotum and should the Honey be "-Honey" or is it even part of your name and you say, No, don't you see I signed "Class Honey" and that's my new name, I'm not a hyphenator sheesh I'm not a Lutheran minister and here's my marriage certificate and they say, But the paper from the DMV (no, they wouldn't give me my actual license yesterday because you know, I could be an Illinois resident claiming Wisconsin residency and committing welfare fraud, instead, they gave me a receipt and promised to mail the license) says your last name is "Factotum", so you have to call the DMV and they say So sorry, we can't do anything over the phone, you'll have to go back to the DMV, which is a punishment almost worse than death because let me tell you, the DMV has a cross-section of citizenry that makes one wonder if suffrage really should be a universal right, so after fighting and raging and pitching a fit, you return to the DMV with your hair wet and a ticked-off expression (after, of course, returning to the SS office to get your maiden name removed altogether from your Official Record), where they will not correct the license for which they photographed you and your carefully-blown-dry hair and made-up face yesterday but make you get an entirely new license with a new photo, so you will end up looking like crap and will for the next three years. (I lost the grammar somewhere in this.)

Monday, December 13, 2010

Piles, not files

posted 09/28/08

Me: Are you through with those newspapers? [stacked on the shelf next to the TV.]

SH: No. Why?

Me: Because it's three weeks' worth of papers and it looks bad.

SH: If the pile outgrows the space, then it's reason for concern. But if it fits into the available space and it's in a neat pile, then what's the problem?

Me: They're old newspapers.

SH: You don't think a neat pile is an acceptable resolution of a big mess, do you?

But we're in Wisconsin

posted 09/28/08

At the North Cape Lutheran's fish boil Saturday night:

Me: Do you guys have any beer?

Church guy: We're not Catholic!

Marital bliss #1

posted 09/27/08

Me: I'm sleepy. Let's go to bed.

SH: But it's Friday night! It's party night!

Me: We're married now. The party's over.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The post-modern wedding

posted 09/22/08

Isn’t this how everyone spends the night after the night after their wedding? First, we had a dinner party for 11. Yes, I would have used paper plates and placemats again as I did for the dinner party for ten on Saturday, but we had food that has to be cut (steak) last night as opposed to food that is bitten into submission (bratwurst) on Saturday. I was also tired of using non-matching placemats, so it was time to get out one of the many tablecloths I have had for years and have never used.

I did iron the tablecloth, but I am not a pro. Note the fabulous menu: steak, tuna, grilled veg, macaroni and cheese, German potato salad, tomatoes with basil and olive oil. Brownies and cheesecake for dessert. We also used the beautiful bone serving spoons that SH's brother Tim and sister-in-law Jessica gave us. Jessica got them in South Africa and they are lovely.

Guests at the table are two of my dad's cousins, Gordy and Jim, Gordy's wife Enid, and Jim's parents, Helen and Fritz, aka my great aunt and uncle. My mom, my sister, my brother and Dr J are also here. SH's parents and stepdaughters left Sunday morning; his brother left Saturday night.

Then, after our supper guests left, the rest of us went out to karaoke. We didn’t invite my mom and Dr J because we didn’t think they’d be interested, but then my mom protested that she wanted to hear SH sing.

My mom said that she and Dr J would listen to SH sing once, and then leave in their car. Instead, they stayed until 1:15 am and even got up themselves to sing. SH and my brother helped them out on "When I'm 64." My sister sang several times, once when the KJ demanded that Jen come to the mike. He was hitting on her the entire night, along with the tattooed Native American guy with the feather hat and the bearded, bandana-ed guitar player from the band people who came in to sing. Jen is a man magnet.

Wedding update

posted 09/19/08

Everything going well. Both teams are here. Wedding this afternoon, delicious wedding supper tonight.

SH's brother, who lives in DC: I can't deal with this. Everyone here is so nice. This is nothing like the east coast.

Female stuff

posted 09/13/08

So I was at the doctor yesterday. My new doc is great: he is very Marcus-Welbyish, with white hair and a great bedside manner. (NB I don’t know if great bedside manner is M-Wish as I have never seen the show, but I do know he had white hair.) Anyhow, he was running late (for a 4:00 Friday afternoon appointment – can you imagine?) but stuck his head in the door to apologize and tell me he’d be with me in a second.

Contrast that to the doc I fired years ago for always being late, including the final straw of keeping me in the exam room for over an hour with nobody telling me what was going on. I finally got dressed and left, even though his nurse tried to stop me as I was walking out. I told her that I also had a job and could not waste two hours of time for a doctor who couldn’t even be bothered to tell me that he was delayed for whatever reason (a doctor who I saw sitting in his office working on his computer, so I know he wasn’t out delivering a baby).

Once Doc B was ready and had me scooched down the table (you women know what I’m talking about), he adjusted the pillow under my head. How nice was that?

The one thing that the practice could do to improve would be to get different pads. Honestly – how many women use those thick pads like the ones you used with the belt in 7th grade any more? I didn’t even think they sold those. It feels like you have a rolled-up diaper between your legs. Sheesh. Is Kotex emptying an old warehouse they’d forgotten about? I couldn’t wait to get home and back to the wonders of technology with its paper-thin absorbent material. Although maybe I should consider that $35 cup from Whole Foods. Who wouldn’t want to pull out a cup of blood and rinse it out in the bathroom sink? Sounds so sanitary. At least it’s environmentally responsible.